#8 shaky knees, trembling heart
a 2023 reflection
A long time ago, in the imaginary land far far away, before there were TikTok and limitless screen time, there was Friendster (I’m too Asian for Myspace, not sorry for that!) accessed at warnet in between my Ragnarok game or through dial-up internet, impatiently taking turns with my sister. Where your friendship allegiance is cemented by creating a dedicated profile. Where you were the profile design you put out, and you change it the way you change clothes. Where I, as much as everyone else I knew, had to fake the age to have a profile at all.
How I would love to see the archive from those days, to be amused and mortified of my past self. It’s not the photos that I want to see (growing up with a meticulous archivist that is my dad means I have many photos from my early days), but rather it was the bulletin board that gives a look to what I was like in my youth (ahem, earlier youth) just like a time capsule.
When I read Mari Andrew’s newsletter on Proust Questionnare the other day, it reminded me of my Friendster bulletin board and our attempt to get to know ourselves, even the questions are as trivial as they are on the screenshot above. I love the questions, as what you answer now and next year can be same same, but different.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? Sunny Sunday morning with clear air. Movement, breakfast, and animated conversations that make you lose track of time.
What is your greatest fear? Getting dementia.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? People-pleaser.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? Greed.
Which living person do you most admire? My sister and my mother. I have skepticism to admire someone I don’t know, hence my nonexistent fangirling portfolio.
What is your greatest extravagance? Having the opportunity (time, money, and energy) to travel.
What is your current state of mind? Endorphinized courtesy of Pilates with a steady flow of grief.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Passion, it comes and goes.
On what occasion do you lie? I’m good, and you?
What do you most dislike about your appearance? My appearance changes, but nothing I dislike that much. If I really really have to, then it’s dry cracked skin on my shin.
Which living person do you most despise? Whichever visible and invisible greedy hands that do things to Palestine.
What is your favorite journey? The final left on my run in Seseh, greeted by the sea.
What is the quality you most like in a man? Emotional intelligence.
What is the quality you most like in a woman? Being comfortable in her own skin.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Like” or “kayaknya”
What or who is the greatest love of your life? Just the little things and moments in life that are actually big! Also my nephews and nieces.
When and where were you happiest? Cooking for my loved ones and having them demolish the food and unhurried time we spend after. Doing something difficult. A slow day of coffee, parks and bookstores in London.
Which talent would you most like to have? Picking up new language with ease.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Be braver.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Doing triple tongue roll.
If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? This lacks imagination, but a dog living in Switzerland countryside, living my best life free of charge.
Where would you most like to live? No particular place in mind, but a cozy home with plenty of green space, close to nature, and lots of natural light.
What is your most treasured possession? I don’t think I’m attached with any of my physical stuffs, but it would be my postcards and journals.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Does this mean what makes me most or least miserable, but miserable? Most: losing my loved one. Least: iPhone on ring mode or shaking hands with someone who don’t wash their hands after going to the loo.
What is your favorite occupation? Being self-checkout cashier at supermarkets abroad. Or being an aunt.
What is your most marked characteristic? Asking a million questions to anyone who’d answer. And slapping the table when I love what I eat.
What do you most value in your friends? Empathy.
Who are your favorite writers? Fredrik Backman, for being able to observe human nature with such nuance and restore my faith in humanity. Brene Brown, hand on heart.
Who is your hero of fiction? I really don’t know.
Which historical figure do you most identify with? Same.
Who are your heroes in real life? Everyone who chooses to be kind and are doing their best.
What are your favorite names? Will you steal it for your kid’s name!? Ha, kidding. It changes every now and then. Oliver for boys, Mia for girls.
What is it that you most dislike? Self-righteousness and snakes.
What is your greatest regret? Not speaking up about things that matter to me sooner.
How would you like to die? Quick and beloved.
What is your motto? Look at me trying to finish this question with something wise and witty, but really, right now: you’ll never be fully ready.. so do it, with shaky knees and trembling heart.
See ya, 2023.